Fall To Pieces

It is funny how I thought I needed you. I believed that you somehow kept my world together, that I would fall apart without you. But I fell apart anyway. You were there, and you saw it, but you didn't stop it. You just watched pieces of me fall off and could do nothing keep me together. The funny thing is that I didn't even care.

All this time I thought I needed you to keep me together, when in reality all I needed was to fall apart. Now that I have, I can relax. I don't need to be scared anymore, because I have experienced the worst, and it made me feel better than I have for a long time.

What really shocked me is that for once I knew what to do, and you didn't. I even told you what to do, but you ignored me, of course. It took her telling you what to do before you listened. I was actually shocked that she knew, its moments like those that make me remember why I stick around.

Those moments I felt as though I was truly at one with myself. No expectations to live up to. No judgments being made. No feelings to hide. Just me within myself. I achieved this by not caring about what you thought. The one thing I always thought would destroy me, in the end turned out to be what saved me.

Now that I have come to realise that I do not need you, the question has to be asked;

Do I even want you?

The Joker && The Theif

It has been said that often jokes are based on the truth, that the joker is trying to reveal their opinion without hurting anyones feelings, or rather, getting themselves in trouble. I have come to realise just how true this is.

My part in an ongoing joke recently came to end with my disappointment as I watched my 'friend' get picked over me, yet again. This got me thinking, there aren't many people in my life that would actually choose me over this 'friend'. The few that would pick me, would only do so because they do not know her.

Now, I need to clear this up. I am not at all bitter about this joke, after all it was just that. A joke. For a long time I was on the right side of this joke, the one with all the laughs, and better yet, there was no wrong side. No one was being made fun of or being hurt for the sake of a few laughs. Yet it is funny how things change. My 'friend' decides to shake things up, maybe because not all the attention was on her and she wasn't used to competing for the limelight. So she waltzes in and manages to take my place on the right side of the joke and somehow I end up on the previously non-existent wrong side. Suddenly someone is being made fun of. And that someone is me.

I did say I wasn't bitter about this, and I am standing by that. It was only a joke and I am happy to have a few laughs at my own expense. It is not the joke that is the problem. It is that truth behind the joke that is that is bothering me. For as long as I can remember, given the choice, people will choose this 'friend' over me every time.

Sometimes I think she does it on purpose. She will go out of her way to make sure she is better friends with everyone we meet than I am. Even if she hates someone, if I become friends with them, it isn't long before she starts buddying up to them while I'm not around, and suddenly I am forgotten. I can think of three possible reasons why she might continually do this to me;

1. She loves me so much that she just can't bear to share me with anyone else,
2. She hates me so much that she just can't bear to see me happy,
3. She loves herself so much that she can't stand to share peoples attention with anybody else

While I would prefer to think that it was 1, I'm sure it is more likely to be 3.

You may think, well why does she put up with it? I don't even particularly like this girl all that much. She claims that we are friends, but rarely does anything to show that she cares for me in the slightest. In fact, she probably only keeps me around because I will always be there. No matter how mean she is to me, when she can't find someone more 'interesting' then she knows I will always be there. So why do I hang around if she makes me miserable?

Because if she left I would have no one.

Remember, everyone chooses her over me. My friends are only friends because I am 'friends' with her. We only go out together when she invites us all. We only talk when she brings us into a conversation together, or when we are talking about her. If she left, they would go with her. They don't dislike me, but they love her. Why would you choose someone you are indifferent about when you could choose someone that you are crazy about. You wouldn't. And so that is why I stay. It is still better than being alone.

Although, you do have to wonder; Why do they choose her in the first place? What makes her nicer, funnier, more exciting, better than me. She isn't particularly nice to them either. What does it say about me if I can't even beat someone who treat people like dirt. There are no 'why me's in this post. Only one question;

Why not me?

Impossible Dream

I'm sorry that I didn't turn out the way you wanted. You think that it's my fault, that I should have done something different, been stronger, been braver, been more like you, but can't you see that this is just as much your fault as it is mine. Maybe if you had chosen something easier for me, instead of this impossible dream, then I may have fulfilled your crazy fantasies.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be you. My dreams are filled with being what you want me to be, and your nightmares are filled with the reality of what I am. All I want is your approval, and all you want is perfection. The only thing we have in common is that we both hope that I will become exactly like you, and we are both forced to live with the disappointment of realising that I never will.

I can't give up hope of becoming something I'm not, until you can forgive me for being what I am. If only I would try harder. If only I was strong enough to push past what I am. If only I could become stronger, become wiser, become better. If only I could become you, then maybe it would be okay, but it isn't, and for that, you blame me.

I would given anything to be you, but I am not. I am only me. Weak, pathetic, little me. That's all I am, and no matter how hard I try, that is all I ever was, and ever will be. And while I cannot change it, I also cannot except it. For a brief moment you did, and for the first time I was comfortable within myself. However, now that you know me, you realise what I truly am, and you can't stand it. You try to change me, to mold me into the shape of your shadow, to create a mirror image of yourself. Try as I may I can't satisfy your wants, and now I fear you despise me as much as I have come to despise myself.

I am truly sorry. My every thought is consumed with how to please you, how to be what you want, how to gain your approval, your acceptance, your love, but most of all your forgiveness. I need you to see past my imperfections, my flaws. I need you to forgive me. I let you down by letting my flaws take over until they became me. I should have been more. I should have been more like you.

I am sorry.