Don't Know Why

Suddenly things aren't as fun as they once were. They used to be easy, carefree and enjoyable. Now they are just plain awkward. I have nothing to say to you anymore. There is nothing special between us. It has gone from being something that we wanted, to something that just happens.

What happened? What caused the change? Why did things get so hard? Once I woke up everyday, hoping I would see you, so I could be myself. There were no expectations, no past, no future. It was just then and there. It was just simple. I wish I could say it was still like that. I wish I could say things were still simple. But I can't. Something has happened, and now I don't know where I stand. Now there are expectations, ones that I can't live up to, as I don't even know what they are. But I do know they're there.

Why are things different? Where was I when you decided things were going to change? I was happy with things the way they were. I like easy. I don't need more hard. I don't need change. I wish you would tell me why things are different.

What happened?

If You're Gone

I can't help but wonder, if you died tonight, would anyone think to tell me? How long would it take before I found out. Would anyone stop to think that I might be upset, that I might have cared for you, that I might be lost without you.

It's a morbid thought, but an ever-present possibility. I would hear about it, no doubt, but when? Would I simply over-hear a gossip lovers mention of a tragic event involving you? Would someone seek me out, sit me down and prepare me for the bad news? Would I inquire of your absence, only to receive a look of pity, when they realise I do not know?

And what if it was me? What if I died tonight? Who would tell you? You would find out, I'm sure of it, but how? Would you be the one who took the fateful phone call? Would one of the others tell you in the few moments you stopped before passing by? Would someone bring it up in conversation, when you were expecting nothing more that friendly small talk? Or would you simply see it written down, a note left not for you, but just for anyone who cared to read it?

These thoughts will play on my mind all night. Running through scenarios of how it may be, and praying that I will never find out. The not knowing may just kill me.

What if?

Keep Holding On

Why is everything so easy with you? Its been so long since I've felt this comfortable. It seems so silly that you could play such an important role in my life. Just the thought of you brings a smile to my face.

Why is it that you can bring so much joy to me, yet seem to cause frustration in so many others. It pains me to see you in trouble. I know you don't deserve it. Its as though they need someone to blame every thing on. Its just a shame they chose you. Please don't let them break you. I need you to stay strong, if not for yourself, then for me. I don't want to lose what we have. They won't give in, but as long as you can keep control of yourself, then they won't win. They can't win, because I can't bear to lose.

Please don't go.

Stab My Back

Why is it that no matter what you do to me I can't hate you? No, that's a lie. I hate you with every bone in my body. I just need you. You are all I've known for so long, and I can't seem to get rid of you. Maybe it's just that you can't tell when I'm angry with you. Maybe you don't care.

You continually push me away then pull me back in. You hate me one day then the next day you 'love' me. That is total bullshit. You don't love anyone but yourself. You bitch about everyone constantly. You say you don't need their bullshit, that you don't want to know about their problems because you have problems of your own, but then you get angry when they don't tell you their problems.

You love attention, especially when it makes you seem tough and rebellious. You know exactly how you want people to see you, and you think you know what it takes to make us see you that way. Unfortunately for you, you're wrong. We just think you're attention seeking, and we are right aren't we?

I can deal with most of your crap. Really I can. What I can't handle is the lies. You lie to make yourself look good, but it makes you look like an idiot. Sometimes, you lie because you think I will get angry at the truth. I'm sorry to tell you this but you're not a very good liar. I can see right through it. And really, if you had told be the truth I wouldn't have cared too much. Why say 'I can't" when you really mean "I don't want to". I can handle it. But don't you think it is a little suspicious that what you "couldn't" do, you did in fact do, only with someone else. That proves that you could. Do you really think that I'm that stupid? That I wouldn't realise. It's not as though I wouldn't find out. Its not as if it is something that normal people think to keep secret now is it?

I just love this secrecy. I don't know whether it was you that didn't want me involved, or whether it was them. Honestly, I don't even care. The fact is, you lied. If you had just said you didn't want to, or you wanted to but with them instead, then I wouldn't be sitting here thinking you were pathetic. And this truly is pathetic.

Of course, nothing will happen. The only action I will take is writing this silly little blog, you will never read. Of course, you expect me to read yours every time you update it. Yet you have never so much as glanced at mine! It doesn't matter. This is all incredibly trivial stuff. Sadly, our friendship is based on trivial stuff. Why do you do this to me time and time again?

Why?

Can't Let You Go

Why am I still holding on? You have been gone for so long but I just can't seem to let go. I don't even know why. You never cared for me the way I now care for you. I am just frightened that the moment I give up on you is the moment you remember me.

Why have I spent so long dreaming of how things could be, when I know they will never be any different to the way they are now. You are there, and I am here. This is the way it will be from now on. You left, with no intention of returning.

I don't think I even really want things to be different. I want them to be how they were but even if you came back they would never be the same. You are gone, and what we had is gone. It seems you have become a part of me. The part of me that, no matter how long you've been gone, still manages to leave the icky aftertaste in my mouth. The taste of loneliness and defeat.

But why would you care? You have gone. You are there. I am here. Together we are not, in any sense of the word. You needed me but I pushed you away. Now it's my turn to need you and you are gone.

Why am I so hung up on the thought of you? I can't think of one reason why I want you. You were everything I promised myself never to need. Yet you're like a drug, that I can never get enough of. One that I'm being deprived of and the withdrawal is driving me insane.


Erin: But I love you.
Scott: You don't love me, you love the idea of me
Erin: It was such a good idea

I miss you