The Stranger

You have consumed me again. Why is it that you have the power to make me feel like a better person just for knowing you? I cannot help but wish to be more. I want you to find in me, all the things I find in you. You make me feel at home. I just wish that I would be as important to you. There is nothing I can say to you. No words can express how much I need you in my life. I don't know how I survived before, and I don't know how I will survive if you leave. You are everything to me. Its pathetic how much of my time is spent thinking of you.

It sounds stupid. How can I need another person so much. Somehow you make my entire world. It sounds like some school kid crush, but its nothing of the sort. You just make my life better. I have always needed a friend like you, and finally, I found one. Its beginning to become like some sort of scary obsession. It isn't healthy to need someone so much. Maybe its just a reflection of how lonely my life has been so far. For now, however, it is just fine. You are around, and things are okay.

Thanks for that.

Don't Know Why

Suddenly things aren't as fun as they once were. They used to be easy, carefree and enjoyable. Now they are just plain awkward. I have nothing to say to you anymore. There is nothing special between us. It has gone from being something that we wanted, to something that just happens.

What happened? What caused the change? Why did things get so hard? Once I woke up everyday, hoping I would see you, so I could be myself. There were no expectations, no past, no future. It was just then and there. It was just simple. I wish I could say it was still like that. I wish I could say things were still simple. But I can't. Something has happened, and now I don't know where I stand. Now there are expectations, ones that I can't live up to, as I don't even know what they are. But I do know they're there.

Why are things different? Where was I when you decided things were going to change? I was happy with things the way they were. I like easy. I don't need more hard. I don't need change. I wish you would tell me why things are different.

What happened?

If You're Gone

I can't help but wonder, if you died tonight, would anyone think to tell me? How long would it take before I found out. Would anyone stop to think that I might be upset, that I might have cared for you, that I might be lost without you.

It's a morbid thought, but an ever-present possibility. I would hear about it, no doubt, but when? Would I simply over-hear a gossip lovers mention of a tragic event involving you? Would someone seek me out, sit me down and prepare me for the bad news? Would I inquire of your absence, only to receive a look of pity, when they realise I do not know?

And what if it was me? What if I died tonight? Who would tell you? You would find out, I'm sure of it, but how? Would you be the one who took the fateful phone call? Would one of the others tell you in the few moments you stopped before passing by? Would someone bring it up in conversation, when you were expecting nothing more that friendly small talk? Or would you simply see it written down, a note left not for you, but just for anyone who cared to read it?

These thoughts will play on my mind all night. Running through scenarios of how it may be, and praying that I will never find out. The not knowing may just kill me.

What if?

Keep Holding On

Why is everything so easy with you? Its been so long since I've felt this comfortable. It seems so silly that you could play such an important role in my life. Just the thought of you brings a smile to my face.

Why is it that you can bring so much joy to me, yet seem to cause frustration in so many others. It pains me to see you in trouble. I know you don't deserve it. Its as though they need someone to blame every thing on. Its just a shame they chose you. Please don't let them break you. I need you to stay strong, if not for yourself, then for me. I don't want to lose what we have. They won't give in, but as long as you can keep control of yourself, then they won't win. They can't win, because I can't bear to lose.

Please don't go.

Stab My Back

Why is it that no matter what you do to me I can't hate you? No, that's a lie. I hate you with every bone in my body. I just need you. You are all I've known for so long, and I can't seem to get rid of you. Maybe it's just that you can't tell when I'm angry with you. Maybe you don't care.

You continually push me away then pull me back in. You hate me one day then the next day you 'love' me. That is total bullshit. You don't love anyone but yourself. You bitch about everyone constantly. You say you don't need their bullshit, that you don't want to know about their problems because you have problems of your own, but then you get angry when they don't tell you their problems.

You love attention, especially when it makes you seem tough and rebellious. You know exactly how you want people to see you, and you think you know what it takes to make us see you that way. Unfortunately for you, you're wrong. We just think you're attention seeking, and we are right aren't we?

I can deal with most of your crap. Really I can. What I can't handle is the lies. You lie to make yourself look good, but it makes you look like an idiot. Sometimes, you lie because you think I will get angry at the truth. I'm sorry to tell you this but you're not a very good liar. I can see right through it. And really, if you had told be the truth I wouldn't have cared too much. Why say 'I can't" when you really mean "I don't want to". I can handle it. But don't you think it is a little suspicious that what you "couldn't" do, you did in fact do, only with someone else. That proves that you could. Do you really think that I'm that stupid? That I wouldn't realise. It's not as though I wouldn't find out. Its not as if it is something that normal people think to keep secret now is it?

I just love this secrecy. I don't know whether it was you that didn't want me involved, or whether it was them. Honestly, I don't even care. The fact is, you lied. If you had just said you didn't want to, or you wanted to but with them instead, then I wouldn't be sitting here thinking you were pathetic. And this truly is pathetic.

Of course, nothing will happen. The only action I will take is writing this silly little blog, you will never read. Of course, you expect me to read yours every time you update it. Yet you have never so much as glanced at mine! It doesn't matter. This is all incredibly trivial stuff. Sadly, our friendship is based on trivial stuff. Why do you do this to me time and time again?

Why?

Can't Let You Go

Why am I still holding on? You have been gone for so long but I just can't seem to let go. I don't even know why. You never cared for me the way I now care for you. I am just frightened that the moment I give up on you is the moment you remember me.

Why have I spent so long dreaming of how things could be, when I know they will never be any different to the way they are now. You are there, and I am here. This is the way it will be from now on. You left, with no intention of returning.

I don't think I even really want things to be different. I want them to be how they were but even if you came back they would never be the same. You are gone, and what we had is gone. It seems you have become a part of me. The part of me that, no matter how long you've been gone, still manages to leave the icky aftertaste in my mouth. The taste of loneliness and defeat.

But why would you care? You have gone. You are there. I am here. Together we are not, in any sense of the word. You needed me but I pushed you away. Now it's my turn to need you and you are gone.

Why am I so hung up on the thought of you? I can't think of one reason why I want you. You were everything I promised myself never to need. Yet you're like a drug, that I can never get enough of. One that I'm being deprived of and the withdrawal is driving me insane.


Erin: But I love you.
Scott: You don't love me, you love the idea of me
Erin: It was such a good idea

I miss you

Fall To Pieces

It is funny how I thought I needed you. I believed that you somehow kept my world together, that I would fall apart without you. But I fell apart anyway. You were there, and you saw it, but you didn't stop it. You just watched pieces of me fall off and could do nothing keep me together. The funny thing is that I didn't even care.

All this time I thought I needed you to keep me together, when in reality all I needed was to fall apart. Now that I have, I can relax. I don't need to be scared anymore, because I have experienced the worst, and it made me feel better than I have for a long time.

What really shocked me is that for once I knew what to do, and you didn't. I even told you what to do, but you ignored me, of course. It took her telling you what to do before you listened. I was actually shocked that she knew, its moments like those that make me remember why I stick around.

Those moments I felt as though I was truly at one with myself. No expectations to live up to. No judgments being made. No feelings to hide. Just me within myself. I achieved this by not caring about what you thought. The one thing I always thought would destroy me, in the end turned out to be what saved me.

Now that I have come to realise that I do not need you, the question has to be asked;

Do I even want you?

The Joker && The Theif

It has been said that often jokes are based on the truth, that the joker is trying to reveal their opinion without hurting anyones feelings, or rather, getting themselves in trouble. I have come to realise just how true this is.

My part in an ongoing joke recently came to end with my disappointment as I watched my 'friend' get picked over me, yet again. This got me thinking, there aren't many people in my life that would actually choose me over this 'friend'. The few that would pick me, would only do so because they do not know her.

Now, I need to clear this up. I am not at all bitter about this joke, after all it was just that. A joke. For a long time I was on the right side of this joke, the one with all the laughs, and better yet, there was no wrong side. No one was being made fun of or being hurt for the sake of a few laughs. Yet it is funny how things change. My 'friend' decides to shake things up, maybe because not all the attention was on her and she wasn't used to competing for the limelight. So she waltzes in and manages to take my place on the right side of the joke and somehow I end up on the previously non-existent wrong side. Suddenly someone is being made fun of. And that someone is me.

I did say I wasn't bitter about this, and I am standing by that. It was only a joke and I am happy to have a few laughs at my own expense. It is not the joke that is the problem. It is that truth behind the joke that is that is bothering me. For as long as I can remember, given the choice, people will choose this 'friend' over me every time.

Sometimes I think she does it on purpose. She will go out of her way to make sure she is better friends with everyone we meet than I am. Even if she hates someone, if I become friends with them, it isn't long before she starts buddying up to them while I'm not around, and suddenly I am forgotten. I can think of three possible reasons why she might continually do this to me;

1. She loves me so much that she just can't bear to share me with anyone else,
2. She hates me so much that she just can't bear to see me happy,
3. She loves herself so much that she can't stand to share peoples attention with anybody else

While I would prefer to think that it was 1, I'm sure it is more likely to be 3.

You may think, well why does she put up with it? I don't even particularly like this girl all that much. She claims that we are friends, but rarely does anything to show that she cares for me in the slightest. In fact, she probably only keeps me around because I will always be there. No matter how mean she is to me, when she can't find someone more 'interesting' then she knows I will always be there. So why do I hang around if she makes me miserable?

Because if she left I would have no one.

Remember, everyone chooses her over me. My friends are only friends because I am 'friends' with her. We only go out together when she invites us all. We only talk when she brings us into a conversation together, or when we are talking about her. If she left, they would go with her. They don't dislike me, but they love her. Why would you choose someone you are indifferent about when you could choose someone that you are crazy about. You wouldn't. And so that is why I stay. It is still better than being alone.

Although, you do have to wonder; Why do they choose her in the first place? What makes her nicer, funnier, more exciting, better than me. She isn't particularly nice to them either. What does it say about me if I can't even beat someone who treat people like dirt. There are no 'why me's in this post. Only one question;

Why not me?

Impossible Dream

I'm sorry that I didn't turn out the way you wanted. You think that it's my fault, that I should have done something different, been stronger, been braver, been more like you, but can't you see that this is just as much your fault as it is mine. Maybe if you had chosen something easier for me, instead of this impossible dream, then I may have fulfilled your crazy fantasies.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be you. My dreams are filled with being what you want me to be, and your nightmares are filled with the reality of what I am. All I want is your approval, and all you want is perfection. The only thing we have in common is that we both hope that I will become exactly like you, and we are both forced to live with the disappointment of realising that I never will.

I can't give up hope of becoming something I'm not, until you can forgive me for being what I am. If only I would try harder. If only I was strong enough to push past what I am. If only I could become stronger, become wiser, become better. If only I could become you, then maybe it would be okay, but it isn't, and for that, you blame me.

I would given anything to be you, but I am not. I am only me. Weak, pathetic, little me. That's all I am, and no matter how hard I try, that is all I ever was, and ever will be. And while I cannot change it, I also cannot except it. For a brief moment you did, and for the first time I was comfortable within myself. However, now that you know me, you realise what I truly am, and you can't stand it. You try to change me, to mold me into the shape of your shadow, to create a mirror image of yourself. Try as I may I can't satisfy your wants, and now I fear you despise me as much as I have come to despise myself.

I am truly sorry. My every thought is consumed with how to please you, how to be what you want, how to gain your approval, your acceptance, your love, but most of all your forgiveness. I need you to see past my imperfections, my flaws. I need you to forgive me. I let you down by letting my flaws take over until they became me. I should have been more. I should have been more like you.

I am sorry.